The Word Philes 3
February 28th 2009 22:39
The Word Philes
This week, The Word Philes looks at two examples of sales writing. Marketing is big business, especially on the Web: with so many different companies offering similar services, the ability to capture a reader's attention and spark interest in one or two paragraphs is critical.
Today's example texts come from two companies selling web site design services. Have a look at them both and decide with which organisation you would rather spend your hard-earned business loan.
Today having a website is not an option but a necessity and {Company A} is the perfect partner to design your own website to run your business and show your place on the market without the headache to build it and on the top of this will help you to manage this project and run the web site.
Whatever you are an individual, self-employed, a start up or an established company. {Company A} get the solution you need to start selling your products, subscribtions or increase your sales through the web as communicate information or get a better return on investment to improve marketing and strategy, reference your website on high debit engine search such as google and others, show your place on the market.
Whatever you are an individual, self-employed, a start up or an established company. {Company A} get the solution you need to start selling your products, subscribtions or increase your sales through the web as communicate information or get a better return on investment to improve marketing and strategy, reference your website on high debit engine search such as google and others, show your place on the market.
{Company B} is a website design agency based in London. We specialise in creating and communicating clear, compelling brand and marketing messages across interactive media.
By combining rigorous analysis with creative spark, and integrating fresh perspectives with hands-on practical experience, {Company B} define, create, build and communicate brands. Be it professional website design, online marketing, website development, content management systems, flash animations, or a viral marketing campaign, we have the flexibility to work with clients in the way that best meets their objectives - no set solutions or formulaic approaches here.
By combining rigorous analysis with creative spark, and integrating fresh perspectives with hands-on practical experience, {Company B} define, create, build and communicate brands. Be it professional website design, online marketing, website development, content management systems, flash animations, or a viral marketing campaign, we have the flexibility to work with clients in the way that best meets their objectives - no set solutions or formulaic approaches here.
Company B, right? But why?
Both texts try to sound dependable and reassuring. Company B uses a few more buzzword expressions, which management types seem to like, but adds a promise of personalisation and flexibility that many companies need.
Apart from the service description, Company B also has much better copywriters. A company's web site is its public face: any errors on that page will be reflected back on the organisation and not on the site creator. Unfortunately, Company A makes some fundamental mistakes. The first sentence is far too long and complicated. It would be better if it were split into two parts. The second begins with an incomplete phrase, which should be joined with the overly-long second sentence. This paragraph also has spelling errors and missing capitalisation.
Consequently, the main message transmitted by Company A is that any written content on a site they design will quite likely be badly formulated and erroneous. The message - the most important part of any writing - will be lost in rambling phrases. This is a real shame as most customers won't stop to consider the possibility that the site structure and functionality may be excellent. With a little extra work and effort, Company A could have had as much chance of winning a contract as Company B.
Once again, the lesson to learn is to examine your work carefully before publishing and to have it checked by a third party. An occasional mistake in an article is inevitable, but marketing text requires a great deal more attention to detail. Missing an error can cost you your client, or even your whole business.
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Comment by Chris Champion
Vyoos
Zoomies
Bloggercises
The Blog of Lists
Newly Old
Money Whither
This is timely because I have just (last week) gone into business for myself. Finally. I don't want to make a big thing of it - except to say that it is a lifelong dream, it is a serious business venture with one hugely capable partner, it has excellent potential, and I can't sleep at night because I keep wiggling with the terror of something so thrilling.
As I said, no big deal.
My point is, a lot of things are being written for the new business and I have never checked material so carefully in my life.
Comment by Chris Champion
Vyoos
Zoomies
Bloggercises
The Blog of Lists
Newly Old
Money Whither
Comment by Spike 2
Qwerk
Peanut Butter
Comment by Chris Champion
Vyoos
Zoomies
Bloggercises
The Blog of Lists
Newly Old
Money Whither
The company is called Salient Point. It will offer corporate marketing in the form of blogs and wickies, and has its own company blog (link).
There is no content yet (hopefully next week) but, courtesy of Wordophilia, we now have our first link!
Comment by Teresa Ralton
MRS SMITH
READ THIS
SISTERS IN CRIME
It really detracts from the professionalism of ads when they have spelling & grammar errors and lessens belief in the capabilities of the product or service. But it is common now - even in our major newspapers.
(just by the way, I know it is not grammatically correct to begin a sentence with 'but'. But I like doing it.)
Good luck Chris!
Comment by Damo
There is also another reason I would prefer Company B.
Internet search engines like Google love Buzz Words.
When people search the net for products they will most likely be doing so with common buzz words. Hence Company B will most likely rank higher on the search page.
Comment by Janet Collins
Acceptable Etiquette
The Social Critic
Janet Collins Blog
And Chris, good luck with the venture!
Comment by Spike 2
Qwerk
Peanut Butter
Teresa: They're real. They're excerpts from web sites. Normally, I'd credit any source, but in the case of a critique that can be negative, I keep my big mouth shut. It is a real shame when companies don't ask someone to double-check their text, I agree: it's so simple to find another pair of eyes - ask on a random forum and someone will do it.
With regard to newspapers, I was just over at the BBC site and was embarrassed by some of the writing there. The BBC, for goodness' sake. Ay-yi-yi.
Damo: That's an extremely good point, thank you! It shows how my distaste for marketing makes me forget important things.
Janet: I think the worst thing is the way some of the content rambles. It begins with pertinent points, then there's a sort of "and..." afterthought. Messy.